This post may not be relevant for everyone, but it's a difficult and big part of my life right now. I want to be real with you all, sharing where I'm at and what I'm learning. I hope that's ok!
With that being said, lets talk about priorities. We may not think about them all the time, but we all have them. While there are many things to prioritize in life, I want to talk about relationships in this post. We're going to focus on specifically your relationships with God, with your spouse, with your children, and with yourself. If you were to ask Christians about the correct order in which to prioritize relationships most would be able to tell you God, then your spouse, then your children, and yourself goes somewhere in there too. It’s an easy answer. But, it’s an answer that is much easier to say than it is to live out. I’m writing about this topic of priorities this week not because I am an expert at them, but because they are a weakness of mine. I’ve seen firsthand how damaging it can be to have these relational priorities mixed up. I’m also writing about this topic because I don’t think I’m alone, especially once you have kids, in having priorities unintentionally misplaced.
If I was to be honest with myself, over the past 10 months my top priority has been my daughter. Now, my daughter is only 10 months old and as we all know newborns are reliant on their parents for everything. The older she gets the less and less reliant on me she becomes. But, even in this state of dependence it’s still not ok for her to come before God or my husband. Do my relationships need to shift to now make room for this new dependent baby, yes, definitely. But, the best thing for my daughter is that I still place her Dad and God before her in my life.
When I am putting my daughter before my husband he feels it. And at times it can even impact how he feels towards our daughter because now she is the competition, vying for my attention. Life used to just be about the two of us, but bringing home a baby changes everything. When we used to have plenty of one-on-one time for deep intimate conversations, and dates we all of a sudden found ourselves going weeks without them. It’s a shock and before you know it you are both feeling distant and hurt. Your husband is feeling hurt because he isn’t feeling valued and is feeling replaced. He used to be the one you were thinking about. He used to be the one you were loving on. He used to be the one that made you feel better, made you smile, etc. And now, you are looking to your baby for all of those things. No wonder he’s jealous, right? And you are feeling hurt because your husband is jealous of the baby. You start to question, does he even love her? And you start feeling alone in taking care of her. It is a mess. Not to mention, you are already placing all of these unfair expectations on your baby to be the one to make you feel better and be all that you need. That’s not healthy for any child, or person in general – not even your spouse.
After my daughter, my next greatest priority has been my husband. Knowing that he has felt forgotten at times or second best to my daughter I’ve tried to make sure that he feels cared for too. For me this normally looks like working hard to try to be the “perfect” wife, I try to do all of the meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, maintaining our schedule, as well as other administrative tasks like responding to emails and managing our finances. At the end of the day though, he still isn’t feeling loved or cared for because as soon as we get our daughter down for bed I’m exhausted and want to go to bed myself – leaving my husband up by himself just wanting time with me. Or, I am so at the end of my rope and drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually that I snap at every little thing and have no patience for him.
Next, on the priority list is God. After having my daughter I was very aware that my time with the Lord didn't look like what I was used to. When I used to have at least an hour with the Lord a day, I found myself maybe getting in an hour a week. I was spiritually drained and just couldn’t find the time that I used to have. Not getting in the hour a day made me feel guilty and only led me to distancing myself farther from God.
My priorities were a complete mess and it was taking a huge toll on my relationships and life in general.
I share all of this with you, vulnerably hoping that maybe I’m not alone. Maybe this isn’t’ just a place that I found myself in but that many are finding themselves in - especially as new moms.
The question is what to do? You have a child, or children in the picture that take up so much time and are reliant on you for so much. How do you meet their needs while still prioritizing your spouse over them, and God over your spouse?
I'm still sorting this out myself, but I've taken steps and seen things improve so I want to share them with you.
The first step for me was realizing that my time with the Lord is not going to look like it used to and that’s ok. God has so much grace for us. Instead of being hung up on needing an hour with God a day at a certain time, in a certain location, with my coffee, I needed to learn to be flexible and trust that God would meet me under different circumstances.
I started looking at this season as an opportunity to grow in other areas of my relationship with God, like prayer or verse memorization for example. I started focusing on praying throughout my day. I’d connect different areas of prayer to different daily tasks. For example, I’d pray for my Church and people in my community group when I changed diapers, or pray for the nations when I washed dishes, or pray for my family when I nursed. This helped me to pray more regularly which overflowed into thinking more about God and talking more with God throughout my day.
I also learned that while time in the Word is important, it’s ok that it looks different for me in this season. I don’t have to study something in depth if I don’t have the time for it. I can do a devotional, focus on just a verse a day, or read the Bible more casually and just see what the Lord reveals to me. Giving myself this freedom allowed me to be ok if I only got 10 minutes a day in the Word, or some days none at all. I’ve seen that God has so much grace for me, especially in this season because while I don’t have much time devoted to the Word, when I read my Bible He always meets me, even if I just reading for a few minutes. God is so good!
Another way I’ve sought to prioritize my relationship with the Lord in this season is setting aside time on Saturday mornings for more of an extended time with the Lord. During this time my husband stays with our daughter and I leave the house for a couple hours to get some quality time with Jesus. It can be hard to set aside this time because there is always something else that could be getting done but it is so important and makes a huge difference in my week.
Seeking to reprioritizing my husband over my daughter has been hard. Honestly, this is something I am still working on, but it’s getting better. Unfortunately, I’ve had to really see my husband hurt to realize that I’m doing something wrong and need some reprioritizing. When I saw this, the first change I made was to stay up later to get some quality time with my husband before going to bed. This can be a sacrifice with a newborn that isn’t sleeping but it is so worth it! Even if you're just staying up an extra 30 minutes to an hour to get in some uninterrupted conversation, or do something you enjoy together like play a card game this little amount of time can help drastically.
Another way to reprioritize your spouse is by making sure dates are happening. While it is important to get out of the house and go on a date without kids regularly, I know this may not always be practical. My husband and I recently moved and don’t live near family so we don’t have many babysitting options. Hear me though when I say, there are no excuses! This is that important! Maybe the out-of-the-house, kidless date nights can only happen once a month, but try to have a low key date night at least week. It’s not about the amount of time or activity as much as it is about being fully present with one another and the intentionality of the conversation. It is so important to be regularly checking in with one another and having real conversation about life and how you’re doing personally and in marriage. For my husband and I these low-key date nights are often on walks with our daughter in the stroller, over card games at home after our daughter goes to bed, or over ice cream on the couch. Nothing fancy but no phones, fully present, real conversation.
The hardest thing is to not make your children priority #1, right! It is so easy to make your children an idol. But this is not good for them. They need to know they are not the center of the world. They need to see what a healthy marriage looks like. They need to see what a healthy relationship with the Lord looks like. And they need you to model those things to them. They can see glimpses of these healthy relationships from others – maybe other couples at your church or their friend's parents but there is nothing like seeing it as closely as it being modeled in your own home. This way they get a really good in depth look. Not to mention, there is pressure to being someone’s #1. They are going to feel this from you and it will lead them to feeling needed in a way that they shouldn’t be and in a way no one should. Only God deserves this spot but the reality is only God can handle this spot as well.
I also want to briefly mention that you too need time for yourself. Yes, God is first. And your husband and children will normally follow but you also need some selfcare in there too. If you take the time to love on yourself you will be able to better love your husband and children. Having a break to look forward to, motivates me to work hard leading up to it because I know a break is coming. It makes me more productive and it changes my mindset. Selfcare can also be beneficial in showing my daughter that just like I am valuable and worth investing in she too is valuable and worth investing in.
I hope this post is relatable in some way and helps you to think through where your relational priorities. If your priorities have been completely messed up, know that you are not alone. Start by finding one step to take accompanied with an apology if there are people you haven’t been giving proper time to. And if you think that you’ve been doing a good job, it still may be worth having a conversation with your spouse. Ask them what they think. If they don’t feel like they’ve been prioritized correctly you have to listen to that and make changes as well.
No matter where you are in this process, know that change and development is possible. Know that grace covers you. And know that you are a work in progress, God is not done with you yet!
Also, if you have any helpful tips in prioritizing relationships, I'd love to hear them!
Until next week! Jessareh